My heart so hurts for you. I've been there, and I know the hopelessness you must be experiencing. When I felt the horror of the decision I'd made, my sobs were insane. And there was no one I could share with. That was even worse. I had to hide it all.
There's a lot more to the story, but my deliverance came through a new grasping of God's love and how to experience it in a very real way. The power of enjoyment that resulted is so sweet, and it's not limited to only me.
You also can get out of the hole. You really can. God doesn't favor any one of us more than another. Your life is NOT lost; I know. Things will change with the application of three concepts found in the scriptures.
And don't forget: Changes you experience change whom and what you attract!!!
Love, Mary